September always finds me restless. I have difficulty sitting still and my concentration takes leave. It’s an odd feeling — knowing it’s not quite summer, not quite autumn, where I am left in a state of limbo feeling like I can’t get settled. My body knows we’re transitioning season, preparing for the inevitable winter days that leave me depressed and looking for a spot of sunshine on the floor so I can stretch out in it like a cat.
Maybe it’s because I miss those days where my Septembers were structured, yet free. School supplies had been purchased, new shoes squeaked on the oiled wood floors as I made my way from one class to the next, and everything was exciting.
This September is much more bittersweet than any September ever before. I sent my son off to his final year of high school, filled with all the hopes and dreams and excitement that your senior year brings. Next September, he will be sitting in classes on a college campus, far away from home and I don’t want to think about those feelings. It’s a year away and I get choked up thinking about him leaving.
I need a paradigm shift in my September thinking. Instead of falling into melancholy and restlessness, maybe it’s time to shake things up. Of course, I’m not sure how to do that type of shaking right now. I had mentioned I’m doing a lot of deep personal work, and there are some days I wish I could wave a magic wand and all of my insecurities and fear would disappear. It goes really deep and is one of the reasons I don’t write here as much as I’d like to, because fear is exhausting and messes with your head. It also tells me “no one wants to read what you write.” Which is even more tiring than the fear itself.
This is why I am writing here today. It’s about me showing up for myself, taking on the September doldrums and stepping into my fear. Taking that step and writing more here in this spot I’ve made my online home since 2009 is such a huge thing for me, and is definitely something others might view as inconsequential. But after the past few years, these words as a massive step in regaining who I am at the very depths of my soul — a writer.