Lisa M. Frame

Realizations

Out of Sorts and Prayers

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I’m out of sorts today. When I woke up this morning, the first thing I heard was about the tragedy overnight in Colorado. That really put a damper on things and caused me to reschedule my posts for today. To be quite honest with you, I don’t feel it’s appropriate to be gleefully sharing my fashion suggestions for Blogher when there is so much more going on in the world.

My dear friend Amy, political columnist at BabyCenter, shared her thoughts this morning in No politics, please. Just Peace.

I’m quoting her, because words still escape me: “So let’s not argue over whether this land belongs to that group, or whether the National Rifle Association is good or bad, or whether certain beliefs demand extreme actions . Those types of arguments will only put a bandage over a gaping hole that needs to be filled and stitched together in some other way.”

For now, I’m inundated with questions from my 12 year old son and am going to spend time with him. I hope you all are able to find peace today; no matter what form it takes.

 

Depression and My Online Persona

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I’ve been thinking a lot about Trey Pennington and his family. He committed suicide yesterday, outside of a Church, leaving behind his wife and six kids. Looking at his Twitter profile, you would have no idea he was depressed. He was a man making plans to meet people, have coffee with them and travel to London.

Those people will always be asking why did this happen and wonder, had they had the time with him, could they have done anything to help. Personally speaking? They never would have known he was depressed. The only way they would have known was if he wanted them to know. He was smiling on the outside and dying on the inside.

Depression is a serious, life threatening condition that affects an estimated 19 million Americans.

Personally and professionally speaking, I get the two sides of Trey Pennington. I’m in the midst of a very severe depression. One I liken to the Post Partum Depression I had 11 years ago, only much, much worse.

Friends are terrified I’m where Trey was in thought. Let me assure everyone, I’m not suicidal. I know I have a strong support network within my family, friends and God. I’ve let them know the state of my mental health and they are with me and supporting me 100%.

However, my friends online? To them, I’m happy go lucky Lisa. I’ve not let them know and in an act of authenticity, this is my coming out party. Part of Social Media is being your authentic self. Transparent. Yet, I’ve been wearing a mask to hide my internal pain. One where I am cheerful all the time and happy.

When in reality, I’m miserable. 

How can you live life with a fake persona all the time? Let me tell you, we can’t. However, these things are private and before the advent of social media and our online life, we had people that saw us everyday that knew something was wrong. Sure, we could hide it, but not that long.

Keyboards give us courage. Courage to project the person we want everyone to see, even if deep inside, that person is withering away. I’ve been offline more in the six weeks than I’ve been on. Because I’ve not had the courage to face my friends.

I realize part of what I personally need to get back to basics. For me, that’s spending a lot of time in prayer, journaling, reading, and writing. I’m doing things to make me whole. Oh, not to worry, I’m seeing my therapist and doctor, but more of this is internal work that I’ve needed to do for years.

Yet, it’s more than that. 

I’m learning, albeit painfully, that I have to take time to do things for Lisa. Like learn to say no. If you know me in real life and have spent any amount of time with me, you are nodding your head in agreement. I’m a people pleaser and due to the nature of my childhood? Always seeking external approval. It’s a burden I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

My way of getting out of this state of depression is by finally opening up. Not living two lives: one online and one offline. It’s time I merge the two and yes, I’m expecting growing pains. Those will be par for the course. I can’t be chipper all the time. Nor can I be a cheerleader for everyone. I’ve got to take care of me, so I can take care of the people I love.

I’m ready to be a more authentic Lisa.

Resources: 

Questions to ask yourself to find out if you’re depressed:

Symptoms of depression in women include:

  • persistent sad, anxious, or “empty” mood
  • loss of interest or pleasure in activities, including sex
  • restlessness, irritability, or excessive crying
  • feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness, hopelessness, pessimism
  • sleeping too much or too little, early-morning awakening
  • appetite and/or weight loss or overeating and weight gain
  • decreased energy, fatigue, feeling “slowed down”
  • thoughts of death or suicide, or suicide attempts
  • difficulty concentrating, remembering, or making decisions
  • persistent physical symptoms that do not respond to treatment, such as headaches, digestive disorders, and chronic pain

http://www.allaboutdepression.com/

http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/depression-resources

http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/major-depression

http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/depression-symptoms-and-types

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001941/

If you have thoughts of suicide or harming yourself or others, immediate call your local emergency number (such as 911) or go to the hospital emergency room.

You may also call a suicide hotline from anywhere in the United States, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week:  1-800-SUICIDE  or  1-800-999-9999.

Finding Zen and My Pretty — A Story of Recognition

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Zen is state of mind. One that is meditative and brings you to Sati or mindfulness.  Zen’s development is concentrated on direct experience rather than on rational creeds or revealed scriptures.

How does that go along with finding my pretty?

I’ve been depressed — for months. Most people don’t know, I put on a happy face and they think I’m fabulous, when inside, I’ve been slowly dying. They why’s and wherefore’s aren’t necessary. What is necessary is where I’m going.

I’m living in the present. I’m not dwelling on the past. Nor am I worrying about my future. I was doing both and was ready to quit blogging for good this weekend. Something I’ve told no one. Not my closest friends, nor family. Have you ever been to the point that doing what you’re doing is no longer fun or brings you pleasure?

That’s where I was. There has been no pleasure in a long time. Just drudgery. Feeling like I had to do ABC and XYZ to stay relevant. Let me explain. Being online and marketing one’s blog is a full-time job. When you have multiple blogs, you feel as if you’re never off. You have to be wired 24/7. I think the Beatles said it best when they wrote “Eight Days A Week”. Everyone I know that is a blogger is seeking that one extra day, hour, minute, you name it.

It really hit me when Blogher started and I was trying to keep up with the hashtag in order to see what information was coming out so I could add another informative layer to my gray matter. Except, it didn’t work that way. Sure, the girls were sitting in sessions and learning, but they were also having fun, whereas I was just trying to consume as much information as possible and having no fun.

My brain just shut down. Writers block hit me like I’ve not had before. I still have it, feeling stiff and uncoordinated…like a newborn foal standing for the first time and taking its tentative first steps. I’m wobbling, and I’m okay and recognize that as part of my growth towards finding my Zen.

Balance has never been my strong suit, I’m an all or nothing person. I’m also the worst of perfectionists; Type-A to the core. That’s why I’m having the issues in the first place. I’ve realized I can’t be “on” all the time. Downtime is essential and if I don’t get it, then I’m going to lose my mind.

I think my dear friend Amy Bradley-Hole unknowingly started this cycle and I’m grateful. Her recent post “How To Look Pretty When Life Gets Ugly” really made me look at myself. When I say look at myself, when I read her post it mirrored me to the point I was in tears. Not those pretty tears you see dainty women with even daintier handkerchiefs wiping away. No, these were the ugly, pouring down the face, pulling off day old mascara, double you over, snotty nose, can’t talk, can’t breathe, curled up in a ball, feel like you are dying tears.

Right now, the only thing I can think of is living in the present. Writing when I’m able to write and taking time for me. I’m spending more time in meditation and prayer, seeking my inner truths of who Lisa is supposed to be and what she is supposed to be doing. It’s not an answer that will come easily. No, it will be one that takes time to flesh out and the only person to do this is me. By spending time with myself and rediscovering who I am and what started me on this path in the first place. It will mean less time online and more being in the present and alone with my thoughts that I shall let float away in a bubble.

I think of Elizabeth Gilbert a lot. She was trying to cope with life changing events at home and took a year away for her to find that inner peace. To find her version of God and walk with him in order to find recognition and balance in her life. To heal herself.

For right now, I’m doing what’s best for me. Heading to my ironing board to care for my outfit, fixing my hair and putting on some makeup. By making myself look better, I’ll feel better. Later this evening, I’ll slip back into my yoga pants in order to sit in meditation on the beach.

After all, you can’t find Zen if you’re not comfortable in your skin (and what’s covering you).

 

Necessary Narcissism

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Blogging is all about wanting to be heard. We have something to say and we aren’t writers, or we are writers who have query anxiety (pot, meet kettle) or haven’t met success in print.

I have missed really writing here. Writing about anything. Not having to focus as hard, just let the words flow. I’ve been a busy gal, working with the Clever Girls Collective, Savvy Source and freelance gigs. Work that I am grateful for and more appreciative of than the people who hired me will ever know.  Not to mention in the blogging world, this is the busy season. The holidays kinda hit you with a whammy, making you pump out tons of work and depleting your energy rather quickly.

So, tonight, it’s more about sharing life. My own necessary narcissism. Missing logging in here like I should, to give a quick pinch. I am launching a new site, just for my business side. It’s needed and gives me a formal outlet, but I am not going to let it be a total time suck. I am working on structuring my hours, and have a day set aside for each project. I am even learning to take a day off occasionally. Well, sort of.

Most importantly, I have been counting my blessings. There are so many, that I hope I never loose track of them or fail to see them, even when they are disguised as challenges. It’s about getting back to basics, getting back to me and finding myself falling in love with my work all over again, every single day.

Productivity Boosting

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I am working away from home right now and have been all week. Why? My current productivity stinks. I know why as well. I always seem to be finding other things to do. Like organizing my husbands shirts by color and then in graduated shades of that color. My laundry room? Same way. The hangers are all organized by color, and grouped by the article of clothing they are used for (pants, shirts, etc.)

My productivity has been all over the map lately.

It is definitely not an obsession, but it’s the raging Type-A perfectionist in me screaming to come out.  She messes everything up.

I enjoy working in coffee shops because I don’t have the home distractions that you have as a human with a family and piles of laundry that multiply if you blink. It’s not just the clickity-clackity of my fingers on the keyboard and my annoying neighbor cranking up his tuner car with the aftermarket exhaust. Where are my ruby slippers so I can clickity-clack with purpose and make everything better. I still believe in Dorothy and that there is no place like home.

My attention span can be summed up in one word, squirrel.

Maybe I should put on my Metallica concert t-shirt circa 1989, tease my hair, throw on some black eyeliner and pump some metal. It might help. Heaven knows I was like a squirrel back in those days. Who am I kidding, I’m more like a Hammy from Over the Hedge more often than not.

Now I listen to NPR, jazz, and even some great productivity playlists and those help quite a bit.  I will share my latest post over at http://lisaframe.wordpress.com on writing and productivity boosting since I felt like I needed to mention my lack of productivity here.

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