Real men are afraid of rakes. There, I said it. They are. It’s like they don’t want to do actual physical labor anymore. They would rather crank up ye ole leaf blower—which is something they must internalize as a phallic extension of their over-blown, over-inflated, ummm….shortcomings.
I for one do not appreciate being woken up at 7am on a Saturday to see some hung-over, shirtless, hairy beast working on his “honey-do” list so that he can appease the little ole lady for being out so late looking at silicone filled breasts with his pre-pubescent, never grown up, think they are God’s gift to women, beer-gutted frat buddies.
Are we afraid of being alone with ourselves? Not in that manner, please. I like to keep this a clean place. But sometimes, when I am sitting in the house and it’s oddly quiet, I feel like I should have the radio or television on just for “noise”. It’s not like there aren’t enough reminders to keep me from coming back to this topic. Wherever I go lately, it seems that the vast majority of folks are listening to their iPods, on cell phones or using some “modern”, “innovative” device meant to make our lives better.
Are we afraid of taking an auditory break? Why do we avoid silence? Is it fear of being alone with the tiny, screaming, voices in our heads? Or are we so accustomed to distractions that if we don’t have them, we might actually have to think? Or does the doctor simply need to up the Ritalin?
This being what it is, set me to thinking. What if we took ways to make silence a part of our daily life? It would make the world a much nicer place. I think of the fabulous Ray Davies from The Kinks when he wrote “Noise”.
Now, how can we get past our noise obsession and make things nicer for our neighbors? Rakes! Rakes are great. They are economical, make little noise and you can get the leaves into a nice little pile without stirring up a lot of dust and furthermore, preventing an even larger hole from forming in the ozone layer. Plus, think of your body! Raking is exercise. You are getting in your cardio as well as some strength training. Those who try and squash this idea have obviously never raked a yard in their life.
Raking is good for you. The cardiovascular benefit is a given, but think about the strength you are able to build in your upper torso? Arms and shoulders get more muscular and your abdominals get a workout like never before!
But, what is the lazy man to do? Let’s change that: What is a man to do when he has other more interesting things to do like lie in the hammock and drink beer all day? Or surf the internet looking for memorabilia from their favorite athlete, long since retired? Maybe, they just want to watch TV all day in the comfort of their Lazy-Boy. I don’t know.
But, I do know what they can do. Rent goats!
Goats are wonderful lawn mowers and you can rent them to come and clear your property. They are grazers and eat anywhere from 8-12 hours a day. Sort of like a teenage boy, except feeding the goats is free as long as there is green space available. Whereas a teenager could very well break the bank with their never-ending appetite. If you are in the Triangle area of North Carolina, you can contact The Goat Patrol for all of your lawn care needs!
Why all of this? Well, think of it as Capitalism v 2.0. You get your lazy day, are helping the environment by not destroying the ozone layer with your apparatus, and are supporting a small business owner. There ain’t nothing wrong with that.