Lisa M. Frame

Life

Checking In, Friends.

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Hello Friends,

What a time to be alive. I have been self-isolated since March 6 due to circumstances beyond my control and let me tell you, it has been interesting.

My job is in social media for a pancreatic cancer nonprofit so I have been watching the COVID19 virus take hold across the world for some time (early January). When all of this started life was pretty normal, by the end of February I was trying to manage family health issues. When March rolled around I was wondering if my son would be able to get home from his study aboard program in London. (He’s home and is missing the Big Smoke.)

I truly haven’t had much desire to write, but now find that it brings me comfort and I am hoping to do something small every day – whether it is something amusing/silly, or what is helping me stay sane as I work from home (which I have done for almost 20 years) while dealing with long-distance worrying over family and friends.

These little additions could be as simple as a quote I found particularly meaningful, musings on life, or things I find online that my family will probably roll their eyes at, but gave me a chuckle or pushed me to read further.

I believe it is the little things that will get us through this pandemic. A friend asked me about businesses carrying on and my thoughts on it. I believe it’s a good thing, y’all. We are all literally locked in our homes unless we are a essential employee and there are days I feel the walls closing in on me with alarming force. Seeing businesses (traditional, virtual, bloggers, etc.,) carrying on means we are moving forward when it feels like we are trapped in a never ending nightmare.

Moving forward is essential. We would not have survived the Great Depression followed by WWII if we weren’t resilient. Taking those steps, one at a time, no matter how wobbly they are, means we are getting closer to the other side. We won’t know what that looks like for a long time and the short-term unknown is terrifying. One thing is for certain — we will be forever changed as not only a nation, but as a world.

It is my hope that we come out a little more compassionate to our fellow humans, and that during this time of isolation, we show just as much grace and compassion to ourselves as we would to others.

Stay safe, friends. Let me know how you are doing and know that you are always in my thoughts.

Much Love,

Lisa

What I’ve Learned — Week 36

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Hello, friends. It’s been a while since I’ve shared what I’ve learned. There are four or five versions, maybe more, of this blog post sitting in my drafts, but those showed a side of me that only my journal ever needs to see. I’m finding that reeling myself in is even more important in these tumultuous times in our world. Not only for my peace of mind, but yours as well.

What Have I Learned?

Think before I speak. I think that this might be one of the most common phrases uttered by all parents that no child ever listens to. It took me years to recognize the why of this important lesson.

In the early days of social media, we shared willy-nilly, without thought, as there just wasn’t that many of us online. In a weird way, it felt safe sharing with total strangers. Today, everyone shares not only their innermost monologue without thinking about the consequences that their speech may have, but they share increasingly vitriolic speech that we used to only hear from internet trolls.

The power of language and its affect on others can’t be overlooked. As someone who writes for a living, I often think about what I am saying. I have always been hyper-aware about what comes out of my mouth, or via my fingertips. And I find myself being even more aware knowing I can make a profound statement, or get my point across, without being cruel.

Self-care is important.Yet, I have issues with the phrase self-care. I feel it’s used too often as a buzzword guaranteed to generate clicks with promises to sell some magical fix that will help us feel human and not so zombie-like.

I’ll be quite honest with you, there are days that I count myself lucky if I get a shower and dump some dry shampoo into my hair. We all have those days. Ascribing to an intense listicle in a magazine or on a blog that fuels my anxiety because I can’t check everything off makes me feel even worse on days when I am spiraling.

If getting out of bed is the best you can do that day, get out of bed. And if self-care is staying in that bed, with the covers pulled up to your ears and a pillow over your head, do it. Of course, if you’re my friend Amanda, self-care is getting out of bed at 4 am to go to a fitness boot camp at 5 am. I will never, ever understand that, but it works for her.

Disconnect.Spending time disconnected from my devices and the digital world is good for me. This has been a hard lesson. It took me going to Mexico for a week (more on that in a later post) to learn just how obtrusive digital media and the sound of my phone, or any phone, really is and the effect it has on my own personal mental health.

Therein lies my problem. I work in all areas of digital media — strategy, community management, SEO, advertising strategy, online reputation management, etc., I am paid to be connected.

For the time being, I am trying to make sure that I’m not living and working in a digital haze. But, it’s tough. That’s where the self-care portion comes in. My phone automatically turns on do not disturb at 9 pm and I disconnect. No phone in bed or laptop in bed (which I am definitely not any kind of role model for, but I’m trying), real books, and my journal at night. I stopped watching TV so I can further disconnect.

Move more. I’m currently obsessed with how many steps I take in a single day. I realized after my trip to Mexico when I was disconnected and spending lots of time walking in nature that I was happier than I have been in some time. For a full week, I took long walks, navigated narrow paths, climbed steep hills, and felt alive. My resting heart rate dropped by two points!

I’ve learned that I have to move more. Not just for my sanity, but for my general health and well-being. When you’ve spent the last two years going through rapid, early-onset menopause, everything changes. I thought I had caught up to all of the changes, but who am I kidding? It is going to take a long time to catch up from that hit on my body. Sagging skin, hair loss, pimples combined with wrinkles — the joy of growing older is real.^ (My friend Brian invented the sarcasm font. If you ever see me use a ^ after a sentence, I am being sarcastic.)

That is all of this week. I suspect there are many more editions of this series left in me. For the past two years, I have been on the path of personal growth and developing my own awareness in order to be a better human. Let’s see where it goes.

XOXO

I wrote a book.

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I wrote a book.

If I were completely full of myself, I’d add a photo of a microphone being dropped click publish. But, as I am not that person, feel I should expound.

I hesitated sharing as my book isn’t ready for public consumption. Yet, I really did it. Even now, over a month later, I cannot believe that I wrote a book. I spent a lot of hours pouring a lot of blood, sweat, and tears into this project. I had more fun in my little make-believe world that I could have ever imagined.

I’ve known since I was a little girl that I was supposed to be a writer. Thanks to a teacher who shan’t be named, I put all of those dreams on the back burner. She made me feel as if I weren’t worthy enough to write anything more than my name on a piece of paper. When you’re young and impressionable, those words from someone who is supposed to be leading you can change your entire world.

It changed mine.

Instead of writing, I did everything I could to avoid it. Weird jobs, lots of travel, marriage, kid, you name it, I did it. I started finding my voice again thanks to my friend, Shellie. We grew up together — she lived down the street from my Grandmother when we were kids.

Shellie and I reconnected on the old Classmates.com site long before Facebook was a glimmer in Mark Zuckerberg’s eye and we started sending long emails, having even longer phone calls, and chatting on instant messaging. One day she said “Don’t you like to write?” and after what I assume was a yes, asked, “Then why aren’t you doing it.”

So, I did. I had some minor things published here and there. My blog was already in existence so I could update family on the shenanigans of my then toddler. This morphed into wanting a different space for my voice as I hated pitching. Hello, blogging.

When so many of us started blogging in the early days (I started in 2002) we wanted our voices to be heard. We wanted people to think, to feel, and to know that we weren’t alone in our tiny little corner of the internet.

Since several family members read my blog, and always ask when I’m going to finish my book, I’ll just lay out my next steps. When I finished on Christmas Eve, I set it aside and let is rest. I was tired of the story, the grind of the previous months, but most of all I needed distance.

Distance is anything is key to being able to come back to it and look at it with fresh eyes. I’m not sure I’ve given it enough distance, but it keeps calling to me. My folder where I stash the index cards with notes for an idea or change that shows up when I’m chopping veggies is growing thicker by the day.

Revisions started yesterday. They always say enjoy and have fun with the writing process as revisions are the hard part of writing. Listen to those people, as they are wise and telling you the truth. I spent 3 hours yesterday and revised a total of 1500 words. I’m still not happy, so I’ll continue to revise until I can look at it and say “this is good enough.”

Once I say “it’s good enough” I’ll send it to my beta readers. These are dedicated people who love literature and will read this book with a critical eye while being kind to my soul. Those are the best beta readers to have in your corner.

Self-publishing is great, but I am going to aim for the traditional publishing route. I’ve had some good advice from friends in the industry and when I’m ready, and once I have had feedback from my beta readers, and another round or five of revisions, I’ll start shopping it.

My goal is to start sending queries out this autumn, but that’s just a loose plan and not set in stone. While I work well with structure, I prefer to give this wildly audacious goal the flexibility it needs to truly come into fruition. The possibilities are endless, but I have to allow them to be possible, without worrying about the outcomes.

Writers write because we have to. We don’t have a choice. And all writers want to be published. I could go about and say “I don’t care if I’m published or not — that wasn’t the goal — it is about the art.”

It is about the art–to a degree.

I’m not worried about the outcome. Anyone who writes a book wants to see their book on the shelves in a bookstore. That would be nice. My goal is a little different. Weird, but different.

I find that I’m actually happy I achieved this goal and could place a copy of the rough draft in my son’s hands and say “You can do anything you set your mind to. Here’s the proof.”

 

I wrote a book.

Strong Women

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I was chatting with a friend tonight about the things women of a certain age discuss: peri-menopause, aging parents, family, fitness, our growing children, and life. In fact, I had this conversation multiple times today with multiple women, all at different ages and stages of life.

What stood out to me the most was the same comment/theme: “I just want to be strong again.”

This resonates with me on so many different levels. Because all of these women, these glorious beautiful women, are the strongest ones I know. By managing everything in their life — work, raising a family, elder care, their own health, relationships with their partners, you name it — they are showing up every day in ways that others can’t imagine. But these strong women are also deeply broken. They are sad, they are hurting, they are in pain.

This led me to think about the past two years — I have been going deep inside to deal with the layers I have built to protect myself — and not in a good way. You see, when things get to be too much for me, I withdraw from the world and try my damnedest to disappear. Trying to walk the earth as one who is invisible– while the rest of the world tunes you out due to age — becomes all too easy.

White coffee cup sitting on a striped rug that says be strong.
Photo by Heather Schwartz on Unsplash

Withdrawing is how I draw strength — to a point. I think it’s how many of us draw on our strength. It’s when we withdraw so deeply into ourselves that we run the risk of losing sight of who we are.

Alison Peterson wrote “. . . to serve so selflessly, you have to subdue something in yourself.”

These women are serving — and giving up — everything for everyone. In doing so, they are a metaphorical shell because they don’t have the energy to be anything else. They have depleted their souls to be 50 different versions of themselves so they can manage every thing in their life — and most don’t feel as if they’re managing at all.

But these women, they are strong women. They’re the ones who I look up to and think “you’ve really got your ‘ish together.” Yet, we all feel like we’re flailing. Our lives are not what they look like on social media — what we’re sending out is the sanitized version made for consumer consumption.

If we get as real as we wanted to the internet trolls would come in and terrorize us for daring to be ourselves. They would make a mockery of our roots that needed touching up three months ago, and tell us we deserve our misery because we’ve obviously horrible humans who cannot handle life. When really, all we’re trying to do is not let life handle us.

“One day, in retrospect, the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful.” Sigmund Freud

One of my friends sent me this quote a few hours ago and it was what we both needed. The struggle is real, but I can look back at some of the deepest, darkest struggles in my life with amazing clarity and gratitude. Without those moments, I would not be the person I am today. And I can sit here and tell you that no matter what you are going through, you are strong.

It may not seem like it right now. And you may think that there will never be a light at the end of this tunnel, but if you squint hard enough, and maybe turn your head just a little more to the left, she will be there. That strong woman is inside of you. Right now, you don’t recognize her is because she has changed. She’ll never look the same, but she will always be there, because she IS you.

What I’ve Learned — Week 35

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It’s been a while since I’ve shared what I’ve learned with the world. The past two years have been filled with a lot of trials and tribulations, so my personal sharing has been limited. Yet I feel that it is time for me to get back to basics and share the lessons I am learning during this time of intense personal reflection.

What I’ve Learned

1. I can’t make everyone happy.

I have always tried to be everything to everyone. That has meant sacrificing myself, time with my family, my general health, and well-being. It has also meant ignoring intensely personal creative projects that I’ve pushed to the wayside in order to focus on others. My personal philosophy has always been that of the Buddha and to keep feet firmly planted in the present and enjoy the experiences happening in the right now. Instead, I found myself running back and forth with no focus and direction.

Living that way is not easy. Quite frankly, it’s exhausting. And while I may sound incredibly selfish, I have had to say “no more.” I will not bend to suit the moods of others. Their moods are theirs to own, not mine to manage.

2. I can only be me.

I don’t want to discuss how often I have changed who am I am to make others happy. Typing that makes it real. Not only real but also a bitter, tough pill to swallow. I’ll be quite honest with you, I’m disappointed in myself.

But, it’s more than that. Like every other woman in this country, I’m angry, I’m triggered, and I am exhausted. And I refuse to bow to the whims of others and change because they deem it so. I have been in therapy for two years to deal with my inner self/critic.

My inner critic is an asshole who feeds into my feelings of isolation and encourages me to avoid others and remain in a cycle of perpetual loneliness.

I turned against myself, my own social nature, listening to my inner critic who told me I had to do things a certain way and be a certain thing for everyone. My isolation was the perfect breeding place for negative, self-critical thoughts.

The more self-critical I was, the more isolated I became. Which led to my dropping out of everything I loved, including this space, for the majority of the past 5 years.

I can only be me, as I am now. I’m not the same Lisa, but a new version. I don’t even know what that version looks like, but here I am.

3. I need quiet.

Even though I realize I am quite a social person, I need quiet. A lot of quiet. People would say that I’m a “highly sensitive person” and there may be some of that, but that is not for this place.

I like quiet. I don’t like the noise of social media hammering away at me 24/7. My work is in social media/communications at a high level in the nonprofit world, so I get the irony of this whole statement. But I’m pretty sure this is how I realized how essential quiet is for me. When you’re so fully connected and on call 24 hours a day, digital burnout comes at you hard and fast.

Finding quiet keeps me sane.

4. I like feeling strong.

I am pretty sure I’ve spent my entire life worrying about what other people think about me on the outside. There are countless hours wasted in front of a mirror worrying about my exterior appearance and how that somehow makes my self-worth better, or be more acceptable to society at large.

At this point in my life, I just do not care what other people think about my outside. I am more concerned about my body being strong and fit. Yes, I am fat, but thanks to PCOS and other hormonal issues I am never going to be what others deem is acceptable. I’m much happier knowing I can go to the gym and bust out my time on the treadmill, or truly sink into my poses during yoga class. I feel alive when I am sweating and moving. Truly alive. It is a beautiful thing.

There is so much more to share, so many more lessons learned. But for now, this is my stopping point. Be well, friends.

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