Zen is state of mind. One that is meditative and brings you to Sati or mindfulness. Zen’s development is concentrated on direct experience rather than on rational creeds or revealed scriptures.
How does that go along with finding my pretty?
I’ve been depressed — for months. Most people don’t know, I put on a happy face and they think I’m fabulous, when inside, I’ve been slowly dying. They why’s and wherefore’s aren’t necessary. What is necessary is where I’m going.
I’m living in the present. I’m not dwelling on the past. Nor am I worrying about my future. I was doing both and was ready to quit blogging for good this weekend. Something I’ve told no one. Not my closest friends, nor family. Have you ever been to the point that doing what you’re doing is no longer fun or brings you pleasure?
That’s where I was. There has been no pleasure in a long time. Just drudgery. Feeling like I had to do ABC and XYZ to stay relevant. Let me explain. Being online and marketing one’s blog is a full-time job. When you have multiple blogs, you feel as if you’re never off. You have to be wired 24/7. I think the Beatles said it best when they wrote “Eight Days A Week”. Everyone I know that is a blogger is seeking that one extra day, hour, minute, you name it.
It really hit me when Blogher started and I was trying to keep up with the hashtag in order to see what information was coming out so I could add another informative layer to my gray matter. Except, it didn’t work that way. Sure, the girls were sitting in sessions and learning, but they were also having fun, whereas I was just trying to consume as much information as possible and having no fun.
My brain just shut down. Writers block hit me like I’ve not had before. I still have it, feeling stiff and uncoordinated…like a newborn foal standing for the first time and taking its tentative first steps. I’m wobbling, and I’m okay and recognize that as part of my growth towards finding my Zen.
Balance has never been my strong suit, I’m an all or nothing person. I’m also the worst of perfectionists; Type-A to the core. That’s why I’m having the issues in the first place. I’ve realized I can’t be “on” all the time. Downtime is essential and if I don’t get it, then I’m going to lose my mind.
I think my dear friend Amy Bradley-Hole unknowingly started this cycle and I’m grateful. Her recent post “” really made me look at myself. When I say look at myself, when I read her post it mirrored me to the point I was in tears. Not those pretty tears you see dainty women with even daintier handkerchiefs wiping away. No, these were the ugly, pouring down the face, pulling off day old mascara, double you over, snotty nose, can’t talk, can’t breathe, curled up in a ball, feel like you are dying tears.
Right now, the only thing I can think of is living in the present. Writing when I’m able to write and taking time for me. I’m spending more time in meditation and prayer, seeking my inner truths of who Lisa is supposed to be and what she is supposed to be doing. It’s not an answer that will come easily. No, it will be one that takes time to flesh out and the only person to do this is me. By spending time with myself and rediscovering who I am and what started me on this path in the first place. It will mean less time online and more being in the present and alone with my thoughts that I shall let float away in a bubble.
I think of Elizabeth Gilbert a lot. She was trying to cope with life changing events at home and took a year away for her to find that inner peace. To find her version of God and walk with him in order to find recognition and balance in her life. To heal herself.
For right now, I’m doing what’s best for me. Heading to my ironing board to care for my outfit, fixing my hair and putting on some makeup. By making myself look better, I’ll feel better. Later this evening, I’ll slip back into my yoga pants in order to sit in meditation on the beach.
After all, you can’t find Zen if you’re not comfortable in your skin (and what’s covering you).